IC Parodic News Edition
Note to the humor impaired: Satire follows.
Item: US petroleum company Halliburton, which received billions of dollars in no-bid contracts from the Bush administration for work in Iraq, is moving its corporate headquarters to Dubai.
In other news, Vice President Dick Cheney announced Wednesday that he would be moving the Vice President's offices to Dubai, as well. "I'm under way too much scrutiny to risk living in the Naval Observatory much longer," he told reporters at a press conference held in the Ski Dubai Indoor Resort. "Besides, most of my marching orders come from Halliburton, Exxon Mobil, and the local oil sheikhs, and think how much I'll save on long distance calls."
Item: Lt. Gen. Kevin C. Kiley, the Army surgeon general has been forced to resign and take early retirement because of the poor facilities for treating wounded US veterans at Walter Reed Hospital.
In other news, Army chief of staff General Peter Schoomaker announced today that he would resign and take early retirement for going along with President George W. Bush's illegal and disastrous war against Iraq that has killed and wounded 24,000 US troops. Schoomaker told the Washington press corps, "If Kiley had to resign for not making sure the wounded vets got the best health care, it seemed only right that someone resign for getting their legs blown off in the first place. I mean, it is not as if Iraq posed a danger to the United States, and that would really be the only justifiable reason for sending our young people into harm's way. As it is, they're quadraplegics for Big Oil, and that just is not right. I'm out of here."
Item: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales presided over the firing of 8 federal attorneys, apparently for political reasons. His chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, has resigned over the scandal. The attorney general maintained that he presided over 130,000 employees and couldn't know everything that was going on. Senator Charles Schumer is threatening to subpoena Mr. Gonzales for an investigation.
In other news, Congress demanded that Mr. Gonzales resign for having authorized the use of torture in contravention of the US constitution and of the Geneva Conventions, to which the US is a signatory. "His influential memo led to the Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib scandals that have forever besmirched the fair name of the United States," Senator Trent Lott lamented.
Item: Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Peter Pace said Wednesday that gay soldiers were immoral, thus insulting some of his own troops and those of British, Canadian and Australian allies (who do not labor under "don't ask, don't tell").
In other news, gay peacenik critics of the Iraq misadventure in San Francisco held a press conference to announce that they considered war immoral.
Item Israel is firing its ambassador to El Salvador, Tzuriel Refael, for having been found "drunk and naked apart from bondage gear. Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth. "
In other news, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert admitted when pressed that Refael's masochism was widespread in the Israeli political class, and that it is the only explanation for which they refuse to stop stealing Palestinian land and decline to make peace with the Arabs. "Everyone was really scared when Abdullah of Saudi Arabia offered a comprehensive peace plan at Beirut in 2002," Olmert explained. "I mean, do you realize what it costs if you have to pay a dominatrix?"
Labels: Iraq War
posted by Juan Cole @ 3/14/2007 01:30:00 AM
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11 Comments:
I'm smirking bitterly, but thank you. At this point, all one can do is laugh because these people are completely absurd.
Of course, one can also contact one's senators & congresswoman to remind them to impeach all the bums. And then laugh some more.
LOL!
Gee whiz, Juan, for a brief moment I thought I was reading "The Onion"
BTW,it is certain that Gonzalez is on the way out -- he finally made the news on the Danish radio and that is good sign that something has reached the boiling point.
Halliburton, is immoral. They have squandered millions. Cheney is immoral. He touts torture, lies at the drop of a hat, and has a patent on smoke and mirrors. Bush is immoral. He started a war based on lies, exaggerations, and manipulation, which has caused the death of thousands and counting. Gonzales is unethical. He has used the Attorney General's office for purely political purposes, then says he didnt know about it (another lie.)General Pace is immoral. He supports discrimination based on a genetic trait, a trait that, like skin color, is not a matter of choice. All of these people are supposed to be serving the citizens of the United States of America. Yet, they lie, throw ethics to the wind, discriminate and demand ever-increasing death and destruction. I listend to Pat Buchanan, on Scarborough Country, once again, rationalize and excuse all of this. What will it take to make the 33% of those "Hardliners", like Buchanan, finally admit that the Bush Administration is totally and irreparably corrupt and incompetent? What immoral moment of mayhem will be the final straw? It's the Scandal of the Day with this bunch, from dropping the ball that lead to 9/11, to Abu Grahib, Guantanamo and the death of Habeus Corpus,Plamegate and Scooter Libby, illegal spying on citizens, Katrina, Walter Reed, and on and on. Good grief, I've left out half of them! The stench from Washington is overwhelming. It is surely reaching a critical mass.
Recall that General Schoomaker was called OUT of retirement (having retired the first time in 2000) in 8-03 to take charge of the Army during the latest round of misadventures. His brother, MGen Doctor Eric R Schoomaker, will become the commander of Walter Reed AMC.
More evidence that we need to go to comedians for news, since our news is becoming a joke...
IBA reports that the Shin Bet director has informed the IDF that "hundreds of Hamas operatives" are currently being trained in terrorism and counterintelligence in Iran. No word on how they are getting there in such numbers.
NPR reports that Maliki toured downtown Ramadi yesterday. Most noteable was that he and the community leaders met on a US base and the US brass exited the transportation helicopter by the opposite door so the Arab press would have shots of Maliki emerging alone from the helicopter.
Supposedly, the sheiks here have booted the al Qaeda and insurgent elements for killing so many civilians and welcome the American presence. Most interesting was the petition to Maliki to allow the current version of the "provincial council" to return home, instead of living and meeting in the Green Zone in Baghdad. Are the council members hostages or fugitives?
Another 4500 troops are scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan to prop up the government while there are reports aid may be cut to Pakistan if Musharraf does not interdict the Taliban from crossing the border.
GWB explains the additional 4200 or so troops to Iraq were not included in his original "surge" request because they are "support troops, duh".
Meantime, while some talk radio types are claiming this proves we have a robust military, reports from Walter Reed are that troops yet unrecovered from wounds or troops that would have been classified as disabled in peacetime, are being reassigned to combat areas when they are unable to patrol or even wear body armor or carry a loaded weapon. The military is our new indentured class.
At this rate, if Fred Thompson announces a secret plan to get our guys out of both places, he could be president.
I caught the satire, but it seemed unusually or perhaps uncharacteristically bitter.
It seems some of the Bush core have had enough too. In particular it has been encouraging to see Christians take stock and responsibility for recent US foreign policy, in some ways coming more clean than the mainstream media. The recent huff at SMU regarding the Bush library used language resembling excommunication. Today the just war doctrine scored one against the Bush arbitrary force doctrine. Just reading the text can put a smile on your face.
http://rawstory.com/news/2007/45000_member_Evangelical_group_breaks_ranks_0314.html
under humor, here's the newest Apple video and the newest product - the iRACK.
http://www.alternet.org/blogs/vi...gs/video/49148/
with a little looking, I found the IRack video.
its a good thing you don't have the right link. People should avoid it. That video is disgusting. seditious. perverted. and pretty funny.
Attended the hearing in the Colorado legislature Wednesday on the Resolution to oppose the troop surge.
Many speakers came and read Limbaugh scripts verbatim. The Republican legislators voting on the measure talked about the necessity to win in Iraq. Can even Limbaugh say what "Victory" will look like ?
Thanks for the humor. My bitter soul appreciates the contrast
I was stationed at Walter Reed for a short time in 1965. After reading of the disgrace there, I wrote down my memories of my time there and at Valley Forge General Hospital. It begins with this -
"There was this man, naked except for a diaper, rolling and twisting on the hospital bed."
The whole schmeer is at
http://tinyurl.com/2ftcfv
Sometimes I think I should kill the diatribe that ends the piece, thinking it somehow out of place. But, to my own chagrin, I let it stand as is.
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