The Ghoul’s Glossary: the 2008 Election

Alaska: The only one of the 50 states where secessionists are considered American patriots rather than traitors.

Catholic working class: Synonym for “feminist.”

Communist: 1. A believer in a graduated income tax (“Communists” include Adam Smith and 81% of professional American economists). 2. When modified by Chinese‘ : A supplier of retail goods to Walmart.

Friends: Persons whom John McCain does not know and does not actually like very much, but whom he wishes to persuade to vote for him by grimacing at them while gesturing as though he is measuring their waists for new pants.

Georgia: A country that can do no wrong. (Antonym of: Russia, Iran).

Green energy: 1. Nonpolluting, renewable, energy sources such as wind and solar. 2. Pennsylvania coal.

Iran: A largely Shiite country that would attack the United States and impose Sunni Bin Laden rule on us if only they had Bin Laden or any weapons.

Iraq: A largely Shiite country that would attack the United States and impose Sunni Bin Laden rule on us if only they had Bin Laden or any weapons.

Masochist: See “Pakistan.”

Maverick: Someone who votes for the status quo 90 percent of the time.

Muslim: A Christian from Kansas who has lived in both Hawaii and Illinois.

Neoconservatism: The theory that Muslims would be grateful if only the United States would invade and militarily occupy them without provocation.

Pakistan: A largely Sunni country that does have Bin Laden and nuclear weapons, but which declares itself an ally of America in the war on terror and allows itself to be routinely attacked by the United States.

Palestinians: Dispossessed, displaced and stateless persons who are ungrateful for their condition and therefore vaguely dangerous.

Victory: (This word has been left undefined.)

Withdrawal: A way to avoid the worst consequences of a moment of pleasurable conquest, which, however, often comes too late to avoid years of support payments.

Youth vote: The expectation that 21-year-olds will save the nation from the folly of their elders, in preference to gulping shots from the navels of hot barmaids during a Tuesday happy hour.

Zionism: The theory that because Nazis hated Jews, the latter would be much better off all gathered together on disputed land in the midst of 300 million Arabs and Iranians.

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