The Ghoul's Glossary: the 2008 Election
Alaska: The only one of the 50 states where secessionists are considered American patriots rather than traitors.
Catholic working class: Synonym for "feminist."
Communist: 1. A believer in a graduated income tax ("Communists" include Adam Smith and 81% of professional American economists). 2. When modified by 'Chinese' : A supplier of retail goods to Walmart.
Friends: Persons whom John McCain does not know and does not actually like very much, but whom he wishes to persuade to vote for him by grimacing at them while gesturing as though he is measuring their waists for new pants.
Georgia: A country that can do no wrong. (Antonym of: Russia, Iran).
Green energy: 1. Nonpolluting, renewable, energy sources such as wind and solar. 2. Pennsylvania coal.
Iran: A largely Shiite country that would attack the United States and impose Sunni Bin Laden rule on us if only they had Bin Laden or any weapons.
Iraq: A largely Shiite country that would attack the United States and impose Sunni Bin Laden rule on us if only they had Bin Laden or any weapons.
Masochist: See "Pakistan."
Maverick: Someone who votes for the status quo 90 percent of the time.
Muslim: A Christian from Kansas who has lived in both Hawaii and Illinois.
Neoconservatism: The theory that Muslims would be grateful if only the United States would invade and militarily occupy them without provocation.
Pakistan: A largely Sunni country that does have Bin Laden and nuclear weapons, but which declares itself an ally of America in the war on terror and allows itself to be routinely attacked by the United States.
Palestinians: Dispossessed, displaced and stateless persons who are ungrateful for their condition and therefore vaguely dangerous.
Victory: (This word has been left undefined.)
Withdrawal: A way to avoid the worst consequences of a moment of pleasurable conquest, which, however, often comes too late to avoid years of support payments.
Youth vote: The expectation that 21-year-olds will save the nation from the folly of their elders, in preference to gulping shots from the navels of hot barmaids during a Tuesday happy hour.
Zionism: The theory that because Nazis hated Jews, the latter would be much better off all gathered together on disputed land in the midst of 300 million Arabs and Iranians.
posted by Juan Cole @ 11/04/2008 12:11:00 AM
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25 Comments:
These are worthy of Ambrose Bierce. My first reaction was laughter followed by an overwhelming sadness.
Woke my wife laughing out loud. She's not happy but the list is hilarious.
Are these, as the street artists used to say, all your own work? If so, kudos! I especially like the definition of 'withdrawal': it's subtle, yet salacious.
Priceless...
Please let sanity prevail at the polls today. The world has their collective fingers crossed.
Juan, today (11/4) you said, "Zionism: The theory that because Nazis hated Jews, the latter would be much better off all gathered together on disputed land in the midst of 300 million Arabs and Iranians.
a) There is no doubt that Jews have a claim to that 'disputed land' and b) where else could they have gathered?
well said.
Thank you for that.
Abdul
Well said. Our society is so bent on simplifying everything from the food we eat to our view of the world, into the lowest common denominator. The understanding of the complexity of the issues we face is key, and thank you for the work you do to provide this knowledge.
God bless you, Juan, and may Obama win.
I laughed out loud.
your book is sold out in the bookstore in the citystars mall in cairo.
Some of the best Americans -- from the founding fathers to the abolitionist William Lloyd Garrison, were secessionists -- so lets not smear all these people as "traitors" just because you think Sarah Palin's husband's white trash.
Absolutely brilliant, thank you. That should be widely read and your insight and humor is most appreciated.
I've read your column daily for a couple of years at least, and this is my first post.
As a Brit (of Irish parents) I'm a little disturbed to see that secessionists are considered "traitors" in the US. We have plenty of secessionists in Scotland - in fact, they run the Scottish government right now. In Northern Ireland, they resorted to violence for years, but we never accused them of treason (the strategy was always to treat them as common criminals and deny them political status, which a charge of treason would surely have done).
And haven't there been calls (perhaps not entirely serious) in Vermont to secede from the Union? I didn't hear anyone shout "traitor" then. I'm sure that if it were put to them in a referendum, both Alaskans and Scots would realise that they stood to lose far more than they gained by secession. No need to call them names.
Funny because true (alas).
I was astonished to find that 60 percent of undergraduate college students in three of my classes had already voted (thirty-five of fifty-eight students present). An additional nine stated that they were determined to vote today, lines or no lines.
That's a total of forty-four of fifty-eight, or 75.8 percent. Maybe barmaids are handing out the ballots and beer, but I don't care. My colleagues are telling me of similar levels of involvement in their classes.
I think the polls are wrong, because the youth vote is fundamentally different than anything seen in the past.
Brilliant.
I, too, thought "withdrawal" was the best of this absolutely brilliant lot.
As for secession, the Brit's allusion to Scots is interesting but wrong-headed. The Bank of Scotland is still allowed to issue its own version of pounds sterling. British PM Gordon Brown is a Scot. It's not apples to apples at all. If you want a comparison, Scottish nationalism is more like flying the Confederate flag at the South Carolina statehouse. Provocative, potentially dangerous, but politically impotent.
i have read your blog for nearly three years now, and i had no idea you were a closet comedian. "friends" is classic! thank you for your continued work at informing your fellow politicos.
To EDF:
"a) There is no doubt that Jews have a claim to that 'disputed land' and b) where else could they have gathered?"
Actually, there is a great deal of doubt, by many, including many Orthodox Jews.
But hey, maybe, your definition of 'doubt' can be added to Prof. Coles' Dictionary Du Jour?
A brillant post. But sadly true.
Best post I've read in a month. I hate to repeat it, after so many others- but that really was brilliantly clever!
And EDF: There's always hollywood and Florida, right?
I love Zionists who don't know the first thing about the history of Zionism. The founder of Zionism suggested a Jewish state entity in Uganda or Argentina -- where else, indeed! Like blakcs in the U.S. who have to know everything about white people, we Palestinians have to know everything about our racist oppressors.
When you paint the picture, its so much easier to see.
"Neoconservatism: The theory that Muslims would be grateful if only the United States would invade and militarily occupy them without provocation."
So painfully true.
...in the midst of 300 million Arabs and Iranians...whom the Zionists consider "Untermenschen".
davr
.
All of these are very good. Although I find that for some reason the one about "friends" keeps coming back to me. I can't get that image of McCain on the campaign trail out of my head.
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