IC Parodic News Edition
Note to the humor impaired: Satire follows.
Item: US petroleum company Halliburton, which received billions of dollars in no-bid contracts from the Bush administration for work in Iraq, is moving its corporate headquarters to Dubai.
In other news, Vice President Dick Cheney announced Wednesday that he would be moving the Vice President’s offices to Dubai, as well. “I’m under way too much scrutiny to risk living in the Naval Observatory much longer,” he told reporters at a press conference held in the Ski Dubai Indoor Resort. “Besides, most of my marching orders come from Halliburton, Exxon Mobil, and the local oil sheikhs, and think how much I’ll save on long distance calls.”
Item: Lt. Gen. Kevin C. Kiley, the Army surgeon general has been forced to resign and take early retirement because of the poor facilities for treating wounded US veterans at Walter Reed Hospital.
In other news, Army chief of staff General Peter Schoomaker announced today that he would resign and take early retirement for going along with President George W. Bush’s illegal and disastrous war against Iraq that has killed and wounded 24,000 US troops. Schoomaker told the Washington press corps, “If Kiley had to resign for not making sure the wounded vets got the best health care, it seemed only right that someone resign for getting their legs blown off in the first place. I mean, it is not as if Iraq posed a danger to the United States, and that would really be the only justifiable reason for sending our young people into harm’s way. As it is, they’re quadraplegics for Big Oil, and that just is not right. I’m out of here.”
Item: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales presided over the firing of 8 federal attorneys, apparently for political reasons. His chief of staff, Kyle Sampson, has resigned over the scandal. The attorney general maintained that he presided over 130,000 employees and couldn’t know everything that was going on. Senator Charles Schumer is threatening to subpoena Mr. Gonzales for an investigation.
In other news, Congress demanded that Mr. Gonzales resign for having authorized the use of torture in contravention of the US constitution and of the Geneva Conventions, to which the US is a signatory. “His influential memo led to the Guantanamo and Abu Ghraib scandals that have forever besmirched the fair name of the United States,” Senator Trent Lott lamented.
Item: Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Peter Pace said Wednesday that gay soldiers were immoral, thus insulting some of his own troops and those of British, Canadian and Australian allies (who do not labor under “don’t ask, don’t tell”).
In other news, gay peacenik critics of the Iraq misadventure in San Francisco held a press conference to announce that they considered war immoral.
Item Israel is firing its ambassador to El Salvador, Tzuriel Refael, for having been found “drunk and naked apart from bondage gear. Reports say he was able to identify himself to police only after a rubber ball had been removed from his mouth. “
In other news, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert admitted when pressed that Refael’s masochism was widespread in the Israeli political class, and that it is the only explanation for which they refuse to stop stealing Palestinian land and decline to make peace with the Arabs. “Everyone was really scared when Abdullah of Saudi Arabia offered a comprehensive peace plan at Beirut in 2002,” Olmert explained. “I mean, do you realize what it costs if you have to pay a dominatrix?”