Top Ten Mitt Romney Solutions to our Problems

1. Expensive emergency room care for those who have no health insurance.

2. Higher taxes on the middle class.

3. Lower taxes on millionaires.

4. War with Iran.

5. Intervention in Syria.

6. Make Egypt understand what the rules are.

7. Annoy both Russia and China. Brand the Russian Federation no. 1 enemy of the United States for no known reason.

8. Free skin dye kit for every American who wants to enjoy the tremendous advantages of becoming Latino in America–including the chance to join the ranks of all our past Latino presidents (who had this unfair advantage).

9. Cold fusion
.
10. Airplane windows that can easily be opened in flight whenever there is a fire on board at 30,000 feet. Also, free parachutes for all the passengers who will be sucked through the open window.

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15 Responses

  1. And who can forget that 2008 election classic: Double Guantanamo.

  2. Dear Professor Cole

    The parachutes for the passengers involuntarily exiting a commercial aircraft at 30,000 feet, won’t do much for them.

    They have over a minute drop to an altitude they can safely open the parachute. Without oxygen they will be dead or unconscious by that time. Either way they land with a terrible thud.

    link to en.wikipedia.org

    • And woe to anyone or thing they happen to land on! I would imagine they pick up a bit of force on the way down.

    • Don’t forget the hypothermia. It’s a bit chilly at 30K plus.

  3. I don’t want a war with Iran. I don’t know why Romney, McCain or any sane person does. Israel could take on Iran without anyone’s help. Even a nuclear armed (and the CIA keeps iterating there’s no indication they want nuclear technology for weapons) Iran would be no match for Israel’s supposed (wink,wink,nudge,nudge) nukes.

    Why is Iran going backwards on women’s rights? I thought Iran had been more friendly to women than a lot of the Arab world Muslims. I thought that was because they were Persian and so did not have the chauvinistic tendency of Arab culture. So why the change?

    • Umm, everyone inthat part of the world is massively chauvinistic-Arab, Turk, Persian, Hindu, etc.

      • That’s a pretty universal human trait — ask the Brits, the Germans, or of course ask the French, since they had something to do with the etymology of the word and concept itself. And you might spend some time with US citizens, there and here, to get a sense of how universal that chauvinistic thing is.

        Of course, the US is never wrong, so for us, that blithely accepted exceptionalism is totally justified… (that’s irony, of course)

        (Hmmm, I’d better add that to my stack of 3×5 cards…)

  4. I have always known that the Mittster is a narcissistic, entitled prick. It’s actually news, however, that he is a dolt. Obviously knowing your ass from a hole in the ground is not a prerequisite for obtaining boatloads of money.

  5. I’m having trouble reconciling the airplane window fail versus the Olympics. Is Mittens trolling us, and if so, why?

  6. Opening a window on Mitt Romney’s plane at 30,000 feet would, indeed, solve some of our problems.

    Also, from the 60 Minutes interview:

    Question: What are the essential qualities of a leader?

    ROMNEY: Well, a leader has to have the capacity to build trust in the people he or she works with. People have to look at that person and say, “I may disagree with them. But I know where they stand. And I can — I can trust them.”

    I wonder if he found it strange that everyone in the studio began avoiding eye contact with him and pretend coughing.

  7. That is, if Romney can collect his thoughts sufficiently to construct a coherent plan, approach, and overall philosophy regarding the nation’s enormous problems.

    First thing, I bet, he does though upon entering the White House will be to test the windows on jumbo jets. Just to see if they can open at 35,000 feet and let the fresh air in. Along with some sea gulls and birds who happen to be migrating by. He wouldn’t want them to be out there in the cold, without any air. And any sea gull worthy of self respect would know how to open one of those tiny tourist class cellophane bags for the candied nuts and junk food inside. Which he would be unfamiliar with anyway……

  8. Today when I was out walking I met an old man. He said that his uncle was in fought WW 1 for the Germans in Tanzanika.
    His uncle converted to communism after the war. He went back to Tanzania after the war in the 1920s. He had ideas of leading a communist insurrection against the British authorities. But this period in history was one with huge changes in industrial warfare. Although he figured that he could throw the Brits he knew that they would come back in even greater numbers. The only way to defeat them them would be if the native people could create an industrial society before the Brits counter attacked. He saw no chance for them to do that. So, he moved back to the USSR to offer his support in defending the Revolution. Sadly he was thrown in to prison for awile. But eventually he succeded in convincing them that he was not an agent of the German government and he lived for a long time there before returning to East Germany after the war. Luckily for him he died before communism collapsed. Sadly for him he might have died before he saw Capitalism collapse. Funny how you can meet the strangest people in a foggy forest.

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